As a routine check-up, I get to have a colonoscopy every three to five years. When I go through the prep phase, I’m not only the butt of all the jokes around the house, but I’m always left feeling empty by the time I reach the hospital. What do you expect after drinking 128 oz. of sodium bicarbonate, sodium chloride and potassium chloride? I describe the solution as “distastefully disgusting” with just the hint of “nasty”. It’s salt water meets rancid gorilla sweat. It’s what you offer someone to prove you don’t want to be their friend. It’s something that leaves you completely baffled that there’s not one single chemist on the planet who can create a prescription laxative that won’t send you into a squeamish gagging reflex. Have you seen the names the pharmaceutical companies are calling these rectal irrigation concoctions? I wonder if we colonoscopites can sue these companies for false and misleading terminology? I mean seriously…
MiraLAX (Goes down smooth like a MIRACLE!! Tastes like a MIRACLE!! It is a MIRACLE!!)
MoviPrep (It’s like enjoying a great movie!! Comes in buttered-popcorn flavor!!)
GoLytely (Goes down like it was never there!! Don’t take it so seriously…take it so lightly!!)
Can we please be a little more forthright by naming them what they really are…
MiraLAX (clinical name: Automotive Battery Acid)
MoviPrep (clinical name: Damn The Flood Gates!)
GoLytely (clinical name: Dear God What Have I Drank!?)
You would think the American Gastroenterological Association (AmGasAss) would be approaching the leading chemists of the world, asking them to band together and create a laxative that could leave the palate feeling savory and satisfied. We all know what happens after any laxative is ingested—it’s sewage pipes in a state of anarchy, literally running by their own rules. But why not at least improve the prep experience? Can we please do whatever is necessary to stop the suffering? In a world of countless natural and artificial flavors, is the task to create such a wonder drink all that difficult? If so, then perhaps it’s time the big players stepped in. Perhaps it’s time to go corporate. Time to knock on Coca-Cola’s front door.
It’s an opportunity for a soft drink company to tap into the pharmaceutical market. The Coca-Cola website mentions soft drinks contain sodium and potassium. Sounds like to me these ingredients fall within the family of those found in prescription laxatives. Add some carbonation to a clear liquid formulated by a team of Coca-Cola taste experts, and you’ll have created one of the most needed pharmaceutical products to date. Any what will they call it? None other than:
Of course, any new product is only as good as its national exposure. And with a product like Coca-Colon that will be revolutionizing the prep taste experience (and putting an end to every prep laxative in existence), once it hits Main Street America, there will be no slowing down its success. The key: grab immediate mass appeal with a 30-second Super Bowl commercial…
(Music begins: “Happy” by Pharrell Williams) Filmed in slow motion:
A middle-age couple gleefully skip together hand-in-hand through a lakeside park, smiling like they’ve won the lottery. In the woman’s hand is a leash guiding an equally happy cocker spaniel puppy. In the man’s hand is a bottle of Coca-Colon which he’s sipping through a straw. Seconds later, their hands separate and the camera follows the man skipping towards a group of runners who are congregating under a nearby 5K race start banner. As he approaches, they take notice and then divide their group in half, clearing a pathway for him to enter a Port-a-john. An obvious lapse of time shows him exiting, happily holding his Coca-Colon up high like a ceremonial Olympic torch, and then skipping back towards the woman. Embraced in each other’s arms (including the puppy, playfully licking the man’s face), they spin around and toss their heads back with ebullient smiles. The camera zooms in on the man who winks while taking a sip of Coca-Colon. The screen goes to red with white lettering:
Coca-Colon. Great to the Last Flush.
Copyright Ros Hill 2016