The Blowout Solution


Let’s face it, America not only excels at turning national holidays into massive blowout shopping events, but we excel at attending these extravaganzas. It’s interesting how similar we treat the holidays—like it would be an abomination if they didn’t scream “EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE!!!” in our faces.  They are carbon copies of each other.  “FOURTH OF JULY BLOWOUT SALE!!”, “LABOR DAY BLOWOUT SALE!!”, “MLK DAY BLOWOUT SALE!!”  It’s the perfect time for Discount Tire to promote a “DISCOUNT TIRE BLOWOUT REPAIR SALE!!”

Whatever happened to honoring the holidays for the reason they were created? Yes, on Memorial Day we do recognize lives lost in the line of duty.  We recognize the independence of our country with parades and large public fireworks displays. There is no denying we acknowledge holidays. But wouldn’t it be nice if we let the pure essence of a holiday remain as sacred?

Why must this propensity exist whereby practically every retail outlet has to have a piece of the holiday pie? Can’t we just let holidays be holidays? Do we really need our vision marred by obnoxiously massive neon yellow and green signs? Do we really need a new sofa to celebrate the Fourth of July? Why on Memorial Day do we need to get two pairs of shoes for the price of one during the “MEMORIAL DAY MIDNIGHT MADNESS & TOTAL INSANITY SALE!!”?

Before you know it, retailers are going to be cashing in on funeral opportunities.

I’ll be the first I’m sure…

“We are gathered here today to not only pay tribute to the long and fruitful life of Ros Hill, but to announce the “BIG FUNERAL DAY JUST-SAY-NO-TO-DEATH BIG TENT SALE!!” going on at Home Depot all day long!! Everything is 50%-75% off, including weed killers, fertilizers, and 32-gallon trash cans!!  And boy could Ros ever stuff a trash can!!…”

Oh, but the naysayers cry out to my complaints, “Holidays are major players in fueling the nation’s economy.” Indeed they are. Millions upon millions of dollars pass into the retailer’s hands thanks to holidays.  However, when consumerism overshadows the reason for the holiday, it leaves a sour taste. Like a canoe struggling in a cruise ship’s wake, holidays can easily get lost in the sea of discounted sofas, washing machines, refrigerators, and barbecue grills.

Luckily, I have a solution for preserving the sanctity of the holidays.

At each quarter of the year, I propose we establish four-day-weekend holidays called, “SPEND THE MONEY HONEY BLOWOUT SALES!!”, strictly to encourage shop-’til-you-drop shopping.  Let’s kick-off these holidays with stores tossing out coupons and product samples to the masses lining the nation’s streets in “BIG BLOWOUT SALE PARADES”.  The neon yellow and green poster boards will obnoxiously and appropriately decorate the floats. Massive firework-stand yellow sale signs in black wording will be pumped up and down by float-circling roller skaters, all getting the crowds amped up by chanting the holiday’s anthem (imagine any kind of AC/DC song)…”SHOP OR DIE!!! SHOP OR DIE!!! SHOP OR DIE!!! SHOP OR DIE!!!…” It crescendos to such a height that some will faint from the sheer overwhelming anticipation of the four-day buying fest.

And then it’ll happen: In unison, at the stroke of nine o’clock Friday morning, each town across America will fire one round from a 150mm Howitzer cannon into any unpopulated territory, such as a nearby cornfield, desert, abandoned farm house, or unoccupied IRS office.

That culminating sound of celebratory artillery—an earshot of thundering bravado guaranteed to elevate the adrenaline of any antsy shopper—shall signal the call to commence buying.

Whatever doubts may rise from fear of keeping Father’s Day, Easter, New Year’s Day and others sacred to their names, while not allowing big, behemoth blowout sales, will be squelched as the nation’s economy will be robust and stable. People will dance in the streets wearing their new shoes and bathrobes. New owners of new and certified pre-owned cars will happily honk their horns in friendly staccato, creating nothing less than an atmosphere of utter bliss.  Four times a year, every opportunity will be given for anyone to afford the purchase of a brand new Electrolux vacuum cleaner and an E-Z Boy recliner.

As for the mother of all shopping holidays—Christmas. Just what shall we do with Christmas?  Shall we preserve the sanctity of that holiday?

Most likely, no. Because that one…well…that one…is out of control.


Copyright Ros Hill 2016


One thought on “The Blowout Solution

  1. I really enjoyed this! You made our brutal consumerism culture into something hilarious. Although I would be totally on board with your 4 day weekend blowout sales, I don’t think most people would be. Even though these sales are disguised so poorly that it wouldn’t fool a kindergartner (like wtf is a Memorial Day Sale??), it seems they’re enough to justify a purchase. If a sale was advertised as just a sale, people might wake up and think “hey–why should I go to this? I’m not a mindless airhead who just buys because the sign says it!” Yeah, we couldn’t risk that. What if people stopped buying for no reason?? As long as we keep the thin veil of “you need to shop because it’s the holidays,” people can continue to buy in peace.


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