Fixing Monday


The word alone evokes images of too little sleep, headaches, sluggish commutes, and endless cups of black coffee.

As your bloodshot eyes struggle to open, Monday has already reared its ugly head at your bedside.  Its heavy face stares at you with ten thousand pounds of annoyance.  Its breath is burdensome with a putrid odor keeping you from falling back to sleep. At 5:00AM, Monday already stinks.

Arriving to work, you notice there is not one single co-worker who has dodged the wrath of Monday.  As they shuffle around with a head-filled quagmire of drudgery, their enthusiasm is at another all-time low. Seventy-two hours ago they had a bounce in their step and were thrilled to be alive.  TGIF is not just a welcome cliché, but is also the celebratory creed of the working world.  Rain or shine, the long-awaited weekend never fails to deliver relief.  Of course, they push Sunday to its limits, trying to squeeze out every drop of its restoring tonic.  They have a little more to eat, a little more to drink.  And then they go to bed late, doing whatever they can to not think about the forthcoming and menacing buzz of the alarm clock.

If you find that you’re missing some screws or hex nuts as you assemble your IKEA furniture, you can bet that the packing error occurred on a Monday. If your cable man is supposed to be at your house on Monday, don’t expect him until Tuesday.  If you’re supposed to have brain surgery on a Monday…cancel it!

It is a day that needs to be restructured. Twenty-four hours is too many hours for a Monday.  I propose we make Monday a 12-hour day, and give 36 hours to Sunday.  The fact is Sunday goes by too quickly.  If you’ll watch the clock closely on Sunday, what you’ll see is that one minute is up in thirty seconds.  In fact, late into Sunday night, it takes only twelve seconds for a minute to pass by. Unbeknownst to many, Einstein discovered this Theory of Time Rip-Off Relativity by applying his advanced mathematics: no symbolE=MC² (where no symbolE represents No Energy, M is Monday, and C² is Crappy Crappy.  Hence: No energy on a crappy crappy Monday). He had great intentions to publish his findings which occurred on a Sunday night.  Unfortunately, the following Monday morning he took his hand-written papers to a publisher who had a head-busting hangover.  The combination of his post-intoxicated state and having to rise early for work led to his frazzled mind mistaking the papers as linings for a kitty litter box.  Needless to say, they perished.

Still, it really doesn’t take Einsteinian theory to prove that Monday’s hours need to be curtailed.  If we allot 36 hours to Sunday, then that means Monday morning would roll around at the regular Monday noon time—no more dark, dreary mornings.  Instead of an 8-hour work day, Monday would now have a 4-hour work day. That alone would make people look forward to Monday.  There would now be a 36 hour work week.  With the decrease in on-the-job errors, businesses would generate healthy bonuses to be paid out for increased worker productivity.  Everybody wins.

The assembly pieces to your IKEA furniture…they’ll all be there.  Your cable TV will be working by Monday afternoon.  And that surgery you have scheduled…well, it’s a no-brainer…go for it!


Copyright Ros Hill 2016



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