Tired of long flights? Tired of being cramped on a 737 for three, four, or five hours or beyond? Fed up with long treks to the last gate at the end of the concourse–Gate C-9—only to learn that the “Departures/Arrivals” monitor says your flight has been delayed and will now depart from Gate R-8,576 where anyone who is not in a bad mood is nearly impossible to find? All you have to do is walk the half mile to the Express Tram, and be patient as it stops at Gates D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P, and Q, until it finally lets you off at R where you get to walk to the end of the terminal and discover that not only is there no available seating, but electrical outlets were few and far between. You’ve been screaming at the airline all day, and now your phone has only 4% battery life remaining. Of course, you’re tired of that. Who wouldn’t be?
It’s time for drastic measures, and I have an idea, a proposal: I say we break this country down to just two airports to reduce flying time, and put an end to airport mayhem. Let’s split the entire U.S. population in two. One half will live in Denver, the other half in Colorado Springs. Yes, I realize there’s lots to figure out regarding airport expansion, extending sewage lines, relocating skyscrapers, 31 NFL teams, and Dollywood, but all of those issues can be ironed out. After all, this is the country that created Bacon Flavored Toothpaste, Waxed Bacon Flavored Dental Floss, and Flavored Lickable Wallpaper. That alone should be proof enough that we have the ingenuity, and the know-how to conquer the impossible. Flying these days is a mess—migraines are a dime a dozen, anxiety is on the rise, and tempers are flaring like dry brush fires. It’s time to make things happen!
But why Colorado? Because a quick flight on SkyWest Airlines opened my eyes to just how efficient flying can really be. The Colorado Springs and Denver airports are here to save the day! I’m referring specifically to the flights that go between the two cities.
Yesterday, at Colorado Springs, I boarded a SkyWest jet bound for Denver. SkyWest, by the way, operates for United, which means United has its act together, because SkyWest simply knows how to get it done. To prove my point, here are the exact words from the SkyWest captain: “Our flying time today will be fourteen to fifteen minutes.”
HUH?? SAY WHA’?? THIS BE COMEDY CENTRAL??
Fourteen to fifteen minutes?? I can barely eat my first plate of Thanksgiving dinner in that amount of time. Hell, I can’t even tie a necktie in under fifteen minutes without looking like I did it during a sneezing attack.
So, I was thinking, once this plane leveled off at peak altitude, our flight attendant was going to have about 25 seconds to serve our complimentary drinks. And you know what? I wasn’t too far off…
The official in-flight transcript pretty much went like this…
“Hello, this is Evan, your SkyWest flight attendant. Please put on your seat belts. If there’s a sudden loss of cabin pressure, make sure you—whoops!! Gotta go! We’re cleared for takeoff now! Good, we’ve leveled off! Want a beverage? It’s Sprite or nothing! Ok, now chug it like your life depends on it! Here, throw it in the trash and stow your tables! Ok, we’ve begun or descent and been cleared for landing! We’ve arrived! Welcome to Denver! Unbuckle! Get off! Buh-bye! Yeah, baby!!! 13:56!!”
There aren’t many airports that do it like Colorado Springs and Denver do it. You’ve got spectacular mountain views and beautiful snowfall (by the way, have you ever noticed how weather delays are all relative to flight durations. So, a typical real pain-in-the-rear delay for SkyWest is about 3-4 minutes). Also, the short flight is perfect for people who are on diets as there’s no time to eat. Bring one fat-free, low-calorie cookie, as it’s about all you’ll have time for. Don’t bring a book. Bring a short poem. Want to watch a movie? Ha! Good luck with that! You’ll be much better off watching film trailers on YouTube. Of course, by the time you figure out your phone’s WiFi settings, you’ll be feeling that all-too-common floor vibration of the plane’s landing gear being lowered.
Fast, swift, get-er-done flying. Fifteen minutes tops and you’re where you need to be! Hundreds upon hundreds of departures per hour is how I see the future. All that needs to be done is pave about fifty additional runways to accommodate and life will be golden! If we can make bacon flavored toothpaste, then we can do this!!
Sounds far-fetched? Well, it is far-fetched. But nothing ever got accomplished without dreaming big. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go. I’m on the return flight back to Colorado Springs, and I have about 4.7 seconds to chug this can of Sprite!
Safe travels, y’all!!
Copyright Ros Hill, 2019